Clueless younger people seemingly with a greedy fascination for the forbidden fruit, meet haphazardly.
They plan meetings where they randomly and casually talk about each other, all in the name of dating. Before long, they are married. And just when their families begin knowing each other intimately, the marriages hits rock bottom.
Contrasted with the good old days, dating has degenerated into a pale shadow of its former self. Dating was quite an experience back then. It was a well drawn out process. The first meeting was strictly introduction where the two were introduced to one another and there were things considered abominations on this occasion. For instance, the mere mention or hinting about sex would cost one dearly.
Jack Okwiri, 64, opines that indeed dating has changed for worse. Today, people have poor mate selection.
“Couples took their time to know each other, introduce each other to relatives, meet parents and these meetings were marked with elaborate celebrations for special effect,” he says.
Okwiri further argues that the current dating trends are dangerous and are to blame for the weak marriages that hardly last. He insists that how people meet, the place, how they socialise and circumstances that lead to their meeting matter a lot, and determines the longevity of their marriage.
“Nowadays, it’s common to be seated in public transport, minding your own business before a man and a woman — perfect strangers — scandalise your unworldly mind with the content of their conversation. Today, strangers meet in a matatu, steal glances at each other, break ice, and before you know it, their conversation degenerates to sex.
“By the time one of them is alighting, phone numbers will have been exchanged and a meeting — for the big game itself (if you know what I mean) — arranged. It’s a sad state of affairs,” he says.
Okwiri concludes by asserting that the marriage institution is on its deathbed, partly because dating lost face and sex lost meaning.
“Dating has really changed. Older men and women shamelessly go out with people young enough to be their grandchildren. And also, people easily access sex, both men and women are not willing to go the whole hog. For instance, when things get tough for men as far as sex is concerned, they buy it. And women, when broke, sell it. Look at that!” says Okwiri.
This observation begs the question to whether where or how a man and woman meet determine stability of their relationship or marriage?
Met in a matatu
Clifford met his wife in a matatu and ever took too long before he married her. He holds the view that where or how one meets their spouse has nothing to do with the longevity or stability of their marriage.
“Despite meeting my wife in a matatu, I believe our marriage will last forever. We’ve been at it for eight years now, and we are still going strong.
Once both of you are grounded and have values that give you solid personalities, I don’t think the circumstances under which you meet matter. You could have met at a bus stop, in a club or at a strip club, but still the relationship lasts forever,” he says.
He concludes that despite the fact that we live in ‘instant coffee’ times, when people just can’t resist their urges for quick fixes including on matters such as sex.
Jayson met his girlfriend on Facebook. Despite her profile not bearing a picture, her updates depicted her as intelligent. He felt the need to be more than friends. So after working his charm, he managed to secure a date at Hilton table 7, slang for the benches located outside the Hilton Hotel.
Real face
Since he was yet to see her real face, as he found none on her profile, he had to exercise caution lest he found himself with a, in his words, “strange-looking woman”. So on arrival at the venue, he sat at a vantage point and called her from a distance and keenly checked around to spot and size her up before emerging.
Luckily, the expected woman was easy on the eye. The rest, as they say is history. The two are allegedly insanely in love with each other, in fact, dating. Considering the initial suspicion and nature of their meeting, whether the two will last remains anyone’s guess.
Eli, a university student, threw a party for his colleagues, after the completion of their studies. On the said night, after the heavy drinking and partying, the party attendants paired up.
George, one of the party attendants, was lucky to land himself a beautiful girl — Annabel, who he took home that night. And just like that, they began dating.
“After all, she was searching and I was available. Perfect match, or so I thought,” he says.
Fling
George only dated Annabel for a while before he dumped her. He says, he held her in low esteem because their relationship had began with a fling.
Shem picked a woman, from a club and ended up making her his wife. He was having a drink in one of the nightclubs and began small talk with a woman with whom he was sharing a table. It turned out that she was so engaging and interesting that Shem could not resist her. “We began a conversation that led to us knowing each other more. We exchanged contacts, and from there, we did a couple of dates. I realised she was different despite having met her in one of the so-called ‘wrong places’ — night club,” says Shem.
Shem says that it’s been almost three years and he is hoping for the best. He hopes all goes well: “ We’ve been together for three years and so far, so good.”
Blind dates
Carol doesn’t mind blind dates. Her friend — Bilha, who is an events manager and has a variety of friends, has been setting her up for blind dates. While she was not desperate to meet anyone, she felt the need to try her luck considering she was single and ready to mingle.
She got disappointed severally, before she met a French gentleman from an online dating site.
“Blind dates can be tricky, but for me, I was lucky. After unsuccessfully trying to get love, I landed a French man online,” says Carol who refuses to give more details when probed further. They are now allegedly happily married and says the rest is history.
Carol is of the view that using a go-between to get a spouse is so outdated and further claims that dating should not be planned or arranged.
“Some of these phenomena such as dating are interesting when they happen spontaneously. The idea of having to be well planned and people such as go-betweens being involved, is unnecessary for they kill the thrill,” she says.
Carol she further adds that there are some unions where her relatives, friends and other stakeholders, so to speak, are introduced but still don’t stand the test of time. Some people are just not lucky, they should stop this idea of looking for scapegoats,” she concludes, a sheepish smile plastered on her face.
Church
Church has been touted to be the best place to go hunting for a spouse. However, Francis, a man who belonged to that school of thought, begs to differ and claims that when every rogue bachelors and spinsters choose to prey on innocent brethren, church may not be safe anymore.
“A pal of mine — serial dater, who had not been to church for a while, was shocked to learn that church is where pretty women are found. He made a resolution to always attend church. And true to his word, Moses never misses church. He religiously attends church where he hits on women randomly,” say Francis.
He further says that serial daters discovered that church is where innocent and unsuspecting men and women are found. Churches are dangerous because that is where even conmen and women pose as singles seeking spouses, only to prey on them.
The question then arises; besides time, what has changed so that this generation seems to be getting it all wrong?
Jury is out
Drawing an insight from the norm among the ancient African traditions, a behavioural communication and psychology expert at Moi University, Prof Okumu Bigambo: “In the traditional African cultures, we had a clear set of rules and morals that governed mate selection. The society had keen ‘cameras’ and behind those ‘cameras’ were caring aunts, uncles, parents and elders who often advised when they see a young man going astray. “In the modern society, the contrary is true, and this is why young people are losing it,” he adds.
While reacting to such instances, Prof Bigambo explains: “In every family set up, roles between a man and a woman are clearly marked out. And when such roles are not respected by either party, we expect conflict to arise within the marriage.”
“Most young adults of this generation, learn entirely everything from the Internet. Parents are busy looking for money and little time is accorded to their children, and thus the confusion when they grow up,” he adds.
To whether or not how and where spouses meet affects their romantic relationship or marriage in later life, the jury is out.
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